A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded,
rural area of the state. After spending the night, his grandfather
prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.
He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his
grandfather. "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied...."those plates are as clean as cold water can
get them so go on and finish your meal." That afternoon, while eating
the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks
around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes.
So he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you
before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't
ask me about it anymore!" Later that afternoon, as he was on his way out
to get the paper, the dog started to growl and would not let him pass.
"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out," he complained. Without
diverting his attention from the football game, his Grandfather shouted,

"Coldwater, move!"

A young child walked up to her mother and stared at her hair. As mother scrubbed on the dishes, the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked; "Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?"

The mother paused and looked at her daughter. "Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey."

The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes. The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again. "Mother?" She sweetly asked again.

"Yes?" Her Mother replied. "Why is Grandma's hair all grey?"

The soldier was tired and sleepy from a long train ride in a miserable old-day coach. On top of this, two fussy old ladies were keeping him awake with argument about a window. One wanted it closed and the other wanted it open. This fuss finally brought the conductor.

"Conductor," said one, "if that window is opened, I'll just freeze to death!"
"And if it is kept closed," whined the other, "I'll suffocate."

The poor conductor didn't know what to do and finally turned to the GI for help. "What would you do, soldier, if it were a military problem?"

"In the Army we handle such problems like a double-prong attack. Open the window and freeze one of them, then close it and suffocate the other."

One Christmas, a parent decreed that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties.
As a result their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given.

The next year things were different, however.
"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.
"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in behavior?"

"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."

An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad.
She began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued.

"You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk.

"Raise your right hand, please." The old lady raised her right hand.

"Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question.

The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice:
"Uhhh... all by myself?"